The Diet

I used to have a black Labrador retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. As pooch people are wont to do, the woman behind me asked what kind of dog I had.

On impulse, I told her that I actually didn't have a dog but I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds by the time I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete and that's why I was going to try the diet again.

By this time, practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and that was why I wound up in the hospital.

I told her no, that wasn't it – I was sitting in the street licking my testicles and a car hit me.

Don't miss The Other Diet.

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