Baby Pictures

By day and by night, there walks upon the land* a Monster in the form of a new parent armed with photographs of the sprog it recently threw. The Monster will corner you when you least expect it, with no provocation, and subject your eyes and sensibilities to these images.

The warnings range from subtle to overt. At the stealth end of the spectrum lies the Purse Or Wallet Move. When you see a purse or wallet being accessed, try to remember if your companion and you were just engaged in a discussion about credit cards or car keys or who's paying the tab or something else that might naturally lead to a Purse Or Wallet Move. If not, there's a good chance that The Monster is about to make an appearance. Certainly, in the case of The Purse Move, this might be just be a makeup or tissue or, if this is a person of stink, cigarette access. But until you're sure that it's something like that, be ready to fend off The Monster – which defense will be discussed shortly. Remember, readiness is preparedness. Or next to Godliness. Or something like that.

Of course, at the other end of the range is the dreaded Verbal Warning, which usually takes the form of a rhetorical question of the nature of "Have I shown you little Drooler's latest pictures?" Rhetorical? To be sure. There is no recorded instance of a "YES!" preventing the arrival of The Monster. And records go clear back to the beginning of practical photography; before that, only those who could afford to have an artist paint or draw the likeness of their sproggen could have such images and they weren't something that they'd drag around to assault you with on your lunch break from the limestone quarry. But at least with the Verbal Warning, you get a few more seconds to think – to remember The Response.

The Response, and the only one that's ever proven effective, is (write this down for familiarization): "It looks just like a baby."

Do not lead to The Monster's long suit with a compliment and do not note a similarity with one of the parents. In the first case, babies mostly look like somebody's first attempt in clay class at making a face. In the second case, there won't be a similarity to anyone; babies and adults don't look anything alike, other than, if lucky, having the same number of eyes, ears, nostrils, and so on.

Respond the instant that the photo is displayed. Do not look at it for more than one-half second. Respond with total deadpan. Try to get eye contact with The Monster so you know it sees the deadpan. Respond with "It looks just like a baby" and then shut up! But retain eye contact with The Monster if possible. On a good day, with a reasonably sentient Monster, you will get a surprised - and perhaps disappointed - look, but the photo will disappear and you will be saved from the contents of the rest of that plastic accordion. I will repeat: shut up after you've given The Response. The deer-in-the-headlights look you'll hopefully receive is a good thing. It shows that The Monster is confused; when The Monster is confused it packs up its stuff. You, one; Monster, zero.

Try it – it works.**

* This land is your land, this land is my land
** This plan was made for you and me

Odds...