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New Element Discovered

June 25, 2004 - A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named "governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

Monkey Sued For Sexual Harassment

February 20, 2005 - Ex-employees of the The Gorilla Foundation, located in Woodside, California, USA, are suing Koko, 33, a gorilla that has for many years been involved with a study of language skills in primates. The suits allege that the gorilla asked to see the complainants' nipples. Researchers at the foundation are feverishly working on a new related project with the animal, which involves extracting a truthful response to the question "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see my breasts?"

Man Watches TV With Dead Wife For A Year

August 19, 2005 WUPPERTAL, GERMANY - Police in Germany Friday said a 54- year-old man watched television in his living room next to the decomposed body of his wife for more than a year – because he loved her so much. The husband said the two had spent their happiest times together in front of the TV set and he could not bear to part with her. On the plus side, authorities conjecture that she no longer interrupted during football games, objected to watching "The Man Show" or asked to use the remote.


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