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How Not To Ask For Help - And Other Usenet Silliness

I'm not showing all headers, but bodies - and the headers you do see - are complete. Don't miss the equal lack of clues in the Subject headers. Emphasis mine.

How Not To Ask For Help

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 23:46:52 GMT
Message-ID: <MnSOd.5989$bU4.4634@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: errors

hi   i keep getting   errors   y

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2007 13:51:34 GMT
Message-ID: <G34Qi.8219$eu2.1743@newsfe4-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: michael.rankine

hi,.i cannot get onto the internet, michael.rankine

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2007 20:16:18 -0600
Message-ID: <471ffc53$0$21257$39cecf19@news.twtelecom.net>
Subject: errorno.ox800ccc6f

send

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2007 20:46:20 -0000
Message-ID: <1187383580.505530.281350@w3g2000hsg.googlegroups.com>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: remove google

Please REMOVE Google from my computer or let me know how.  Thank you.

Is he trying to get Google Groups removed, or Google Spyware & Adware removed? We'll never know; he won't be able to find his way back to read the replies asking what he's talking about.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Mon, 09 Apr 2007 17:53:56 GMT
From: "Silva Spassova" <stani.spassova@ntlworld.com>
Message-ID: <U4vSh.8050$gr2.553@newsfe4-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: Antivirus software

jh 

In the above case I included the From header to show that no, the poster's initials are apparently not "jh".

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 04 Aug 2007 21:07:00 GMT
Message-ID: <UT5ti.380$1G1.219@newsfe2-win.ntli.net>
Subject: can i have the internet ?

[And there was no body at all.]

I don't know where he plans on keeping it, but he probably won't pass the licensing exam even if he does find the application form.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2006 19:04:56 +0100
Subject: [the poster's email address]

I cannot access my e-mails an error box keeps appearing. Can you help
please?

my password is [deleted by Blinky]

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:32:14 GMT
Message-ID: <1s88k.223914$yE1.83864@attbi_s21>
Subject: i forgot my id and password can you help me

Insert a catchy tag line here robin AIM: robin61531 Always have my latest 
info Want a signature like this?

And, of course, there was no signature.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 07 Aug 2007 08:35:17 -0700
Message-ID: <1186500917.125877.226660@b79g2000hse.googlegroups.com>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: terms of service violation?

help!  this message came up.  what have i done wrong? i have to quote
code BXa4yr3n
can you clarify the problem please? how long will it take before it
comes back on line?

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2007 18:16:42 GMT
Message-ID: 
Subject: password

forgotten password

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 22:59:31 GMT
Message-ID: <nBQpi.1292$mZ5.1228@newsfe6-win.ntli.net>
Subject: internet problems

i  cant get my internet to work what should i do?

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 16:02:01 GMT
Message-ID: <ZF6rh.10730$pQ3.4179@newsread4.news.pas.earthlink.net>
Subject: i need a email please

[And there was no body at all. - Blinky]

Newsgroups: news.software.readers
Date: Sun, 13 Nov 2005 18:03:25 GMT
Message-ID: <Xns970D84BBDA599Pffyicom@207.115.63.158>
Organization: Your Company
Subject: help

help

Newsgroups:         24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date:               Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:48:12 GMT
Message-ID:         <waLLf.34697$VV4.434874@ursa-nb00s0.nbnet.nb.ca>
Subject:            hlp

 gh na6 my ,rt7yzr yu mipo<hjcxe45ks.

The above user had also posted, five minutes earlier, a message just like the one that precedes her winning entry here - the Subject was "help" and the entire body was "help". This post doesn't go vary far in clearing up the issue introduced in the first one.

Newsgroups: alt.os.linux.mandrake
Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 21:17:25 +0100
Message-ID: <d60dkl$7n9$1@news6.svr.pol.co.uk>
Subject: help

please help

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: 2000/03/06
Message-ID: <D9Vw4.210$Wh1.46@newsfeed.slurp.net>
Subject: please

no  more  how can  i  delet yhis web st  form  my  comtuer

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2007 14:15:58 -0000
Message-ID: <1181139358.809803.188820@i38g2000prf.googlegroups.com>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: i want to join ur group

send me any mails regarding desk top

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 19 May 2007 20:11:28 GMT
Message-ID: <QRI3i.6772$qQ1.5304@newsfe1-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: Jilly@InstantWin4now

I am fed up with receiving email from these people.  I tried to send them an 
email but as I don't know their address I have a constant error message in 
my computer.  Server error 553 error no. Ox800CCC79.  Can you delete this 
error message from my system. I do not want any more emails from them.

The above is actually readable, but is another posting from NTL where a user thinks Usenet is his ISP and that they can configure his computer. This is pretty much an every day occurrence from NTLers in that group. And they never make any replies to responses to their questions and requests, which is strong evidence that they're unable to find their way back. Notice how many of the Message-ID headers on this page are from NTL.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 10:00:33 GMT
Message-ID: <5Tsye.73$184.47@newsfe2-win.ntli.net>
Subject: cant rember password

cant rember password

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 08 Oct 2005 16:10:26 GMT
Message-ID: <SbS1f.270$967.130@newsfe1-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: computerlocked

unlock

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2006 11:16:58 GMT
Message-ID: <K_G0h.14704$j4.12399@newsfe1-win.ntli.net>
Subject: error

please help this email as gone crazy

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Thu, 08 Mar 2007 08:57:56 GMT
Message-ID: <oeQHh.56896$z54.56405@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: HELLLLLP

HI GUYS HOW DO STOP ALL OR SOME OF MY I-MAILS COMING ON MY COMP 

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2006 00:00:07 GMT
Message-ID: <:bO4ah.3473$tM1.3060@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net>
Subject: my e_mail i cannot retrive it

[The message body was blank. - Blinky]

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:55:17 GMT
Message-ID: <9gPOi.8242$8c4.5180@newsfe6-win.ntli.net>
Subject: people

if any one is in the bournemouth or poole area please contact me direct for
advise 07756518900.

(if i have broken the rules by putting my number on here please delete)

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: 21 Nov 2005 20:32:39 -0800
Message-ID: <1132633959.874137.152230@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: URGENT RESOLUTION! please:(:(

somebody helps me? if yes answer!! please!!

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2007 16:09:47 GMT
Message-ID: <f3cNh.2396$u03.1829@newssvr21.news.prodigy.net>
Subject: Lost my Back and Forward

My Back and Forward disappeared on my screen. Help!

Sure, it's in a known language and it's punctuated. But think about how many programs have "back" and "forward" actions that he might be talking about.

How Not To Say Thanks

Note: I've snipped the assistance that had been offered beneath the following top-posted reply.

Newsgroups: alt.html
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 2005 19:51:26 +0200
Message-ID: <d7kssk$ke2$1@reader10.wxs.nl>
Subject: Re: size of frame rules in table

Please stop answering my quetsions. This is useless.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:04:33 -0500
Message-ID: <TBqAh.7439$m7.3980@bignews5.bellsouth.net>
Subject: activated.

Dear Technical Support, outlook express newsgroup has been activated, thanks.

Thinking Usenet Is Email

I've decided that there should be a Dishonorable Mention Category for those who post to Usenet thinking it's email. Here's an example, but note that many of them are actual letters talking about recent vacation travels, giving updates on all the family members, describing recent dating activities, and so on.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 05 Aug 2007 15:14:53 GMT
Message-ID: <NPlti.2588$ka7.2000@newsfe4-gui.ntli.net>
Subject: new e-mail

hi john
        as you can see i amnow on the internet and am sending you my e-mail 
address

We're just warming up. They get better.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2007 07:00:05 GMT
Message-ID: <VjNai.10363$lz3.3343@newsfe5-win.ntli.net>
Subject: hello

dear pete  & ALISON  JAKE
we try test to y if y have  got recie  my letter  let me knoe ok  love dad 
mary 

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:29:12 GMT
Message-ID: <sf3ri.13755$zA4.1500@newsread3.news.pas.earthlink.net>
Subject: Reunion

Ed, Pls fill me in on the number of attendees so far.  Also the names.  I 
need all the positive info I can get to ensure that John O'Mara will 
consider coming to the reunion.
Mary and I are coming to Pitinoville July 31 and staying until  Sep. 24. 
I'd like to get with you for lunch or a visit and discuss our progress.
I can't remember wether I gave you my new cell # which I bought in Luavul 
last spring....502-295-7219.
I can't wait to get back North.  The weather here in central Fla. is very 
enervating.  Just walk out of your front door and immediately you get a free 
sauna bath.  I t is so hot!!!  Ciao, jb 

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sun, 30 Dec 2007 11:07:28 GMT
Message-ID: <QZKdj.17593$ov2.13026@newsfe5-win.ntli.net>
Subject: volume of speeding traffic(inc HGVs)using Corston Fields lane.

this morning between 0730 and 0830,I counted 78 vehicles using the lane,the 
vast majority using it as a ratrun to avoid traffic delays. on 33 occaisions 
traffic met oncoming traffic and had to reverse back to let the other 
vehicles pass,could you give some thought into this problem as there is 
going to be a inevitable serious accident.maybe the lane could be one-way,or 
closed accept for access. 
Yours 
Paul Williams

I guess he thought he was sending email. Or maybe being on a call-in radio show. Or something else we terrestrials don't know about.

Thinking Usenet Is Their ISP

Come to think of it, there's also a need for a Dishonorable Mention Category II for those who post to Usenet thinking it is their ISP.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2007 16:53:17 GMT
Message-ID: <1Cwgi.5559$ri2.317@newsfe5-win.ntli.net>
Subject: my voluntary deb

>my name is alan gill 37749 emply/ number.I wish to cancel the payment out of
my wage to personal group £12.43.as from now I have Iformed them as
well.THANK YOU

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2007 05:32:02 -0400
Message-ID: <13b395bfk5v9401@corp.supernews.com>
Subject: Question about service

Can you tell me if decide to stop my internet service and connect but of 
course keep the telephone number which I have with Verizon and bridgecom 
can stop service in both of my office at any time? What is the 
procedure? My numbers for the ADSL is 9142459061 at 3535 Hill blvd  
suite P  yorktown heights NY 10598 and my other number is 8455280322 at 
21 peekskill hollow road suite 201 Putnam Valley NY 10579.   I also have 
a dial up service which I probably will keep with you. If I also decide 
to stop this service can I do tis at any time. Thank you for your help 
and kindness Thomas Russo  Northern -Westchester Putnam Physical Therapy 
, P.C.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2007 08:10:26 -0000
Message-ID: <1186819826.937622.98650@o61g2000hsh.googlegroups.com>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: downloading

I sent you a message yesterday about my downloading of google, but as
yet I have received no answer. I have downloaded too much with the
result that everything I do is too slow. Ineed either to cancel
everything or have access to my account to get rid of the things I
don't need. Thanks  jobabe

That one is a tough call. Did that Google Grouper think he was writing to his ISP or did he think he was writing to Google? Only he knows. Wait. He may not know either.

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2007 13:54:46 -0500
Message-ID: <13cricmr1vv5c43@corp.supernews.com>
Subject: How?

Since signing up with Earthlink.net I have not received any email on the 
Outlook Express site.
Why and will you straighten this out ASAP? 

We'll get right on that! Now, about "the Outlook Express site". Right.

General Knuckleheadery

Newsgroups: 24hoursupport.helpdesk
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2008 09:35:12 +1000
Message-ID: <48fbc43b$0$10601$5a62ac22@per-qv1-newsreader-01.iinet.net.au>
Subject: delete

delete all


Blinky Note

Some messages on this page weren't even posted with Outlook Express. Heaven knows Google Groups posters are adding their share, but I no longer see GG posts. (I noticed the GG examples on this page when someone else quoted them.) That said, the origin winner seems to be NTL (now part of Virgin), and that coincides with what I've seen in the years I've participated in 24hoursupport.helpdesk, from which many of these examples are taken.


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